bonding, chase, chemistry, dance, dancing, dominance, feminine imperative, flirting, leading, marriage, oxytocin, relationship, Rollo Tomasi, self-control, Stingray, submission, The Chat, tomboy, unicorn
Stingray is a married Christian woman who blogs. She made the following interesting comment on Rollo Tomasi’s blog: <I>Let me rephrase, women will follow strong men. Right now, men tend to follow women (feminine imperative).</I>
I translate <I>strong</I> as <I>dominant</I>. Interesting case of this question I’m dealing with when I’m out dancing.
Married woman dance-buddy (MW) likes to dance with me a lot and gets wonky late at night because she feels a lot of bonding going on (dancing together a lot builds up oxytocin levels, which are responsible for bonding and the “falling in love” feeling). We have some chemistry but she has strong unicorn instincts and runs away if her emotions become a problem. This is a good thing and it’s fun chasing her at that time. All very G-rated stuff. She feels like she’s the hottest thing since sliced bread and I like the thrill of the chase. (As my dad said, the chase is more fun than actually catching the prey. When prey is too easily caught, the thrill fades fast.)
Switch attention to our dance connection. MW comments that my lead is very good. This is actually complicated stuff. I don’t perceive any change in my lead. I think what is happening is that we are becoming more psychologically attuned to each other (not emotionally–more physically). Unconsciously, I’m waiting for MW to respond to my initial lead before continuing; she’s looking for a solid connection before responding. This means that she’s a bit slow in responding to my lead–that could be due to age, but here is a test of connection which means that she is looking for comfort. The more we dance, the quicker she responds to my initial lead. So, it’s an interesting study in the field of pseudo-mating, which is what lead/follow dancing is.
There are a couple of things that make a man interesting to dance with: 1) he leads well (aesthetic appeal) and/or 2) chemistry. A man who excels at convo might also be preferred, but that can occur outside of dancing, generally. MW and I have both a solid dance connection and chemistry going on.
Switch focus to why MW has chemistry with me. I’m married and go out dancing alone at least once a week for my marriage–I implement Soft Dread as a permanent feature of my marriage. (It seems to be working well after six months. It seems like my wife thinks I’m the hottest thing since sliced bread–she’s continually and frequently flirting with me, which is totally different than the previous five years of a sexual desert.) MW sees me going out alone and infers that I am dominant in my marriage. (Not many married men go out dancing alone and women see that as a strong dominance signal,) MW, like most women, is aroused by dominant men. MW sees me doing cold approaches on women as well, showing dominance in another way. Since she sees me as dominant, we have chemistry (she’s easy on the eyes for an older gal and her attraction for me also makes her more attractive to me).
MW has twisted her husband’s arm to start dancing with her. On one hand, his dancing with her will allow her to submit to him. On the other hand, since she twisted his arm, you have to question his dominance in the relationship. I’m not sure what the outcome will be since he’s in her dance frame, but I’m not optimistic about her plan. She’s a tomboy, so she’s always going to be a dominance issue for any man.
I had The Chat(tm) with her where I told her my views about flirting: 1) being afraid of chemistry is boring and immature, 2) expecting anything beyond flirting is out of the question, and 3) flirting can be fun if the people are self-aware, self-controlled, and respect each other’s boundaries.
I expect that I’ll see MW when she’s out dancing with her husband. I’ll be interested to see how things go with MW. Will she start to see her husband as more dominant than me or at least dominant enough for her to be aroused by him?